Last Wednesday, I had an experience. I went out on campus in the afternoon and it's kind of like in the bible where they say, "scales fell from his eyes" except they were falling from my own. It was an experience in seeing people as for the first time. God broke my heart again as he opened my eyes to see countless young people walking around with headphones in, pulling phones out, avoiding eye contact, eating alone. What did I do? What was my response? I chickened out. To all the people I failed to approach, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was afraid. Afraid to interrupt your lunch date with your computer, or your phone. Maybe you really did have work that really did need to be done right then. Maybe you were just looking for something to keep your eyes and your mind busy. I couldn't tell the difference. If it's the first, I hope you accomplished what you intended to, if it's the latter, I'm sorry I didn't have the guts to come up and satiate your loneliness. I'll do better next time! You're worth my discomfort and my awkwardness. You're worth the rejection that you might give to me. I just want you to know that. I know that and I want to prove it."
I found myself leaving campus in disgust. I was disappointed: that I didn't talk to anyone, that I recognized this fear in myself, that people were so hard to even interrupt in the first place. I felt like I just wasted an entire afternoon. In my frustration, I made up my mind to head to the Newman Center early and just pray a rosary for all of the people that I didn't talk to that day. As I was walking and complaining to myself about the wasted time and the bitter cold, I felt a little nudge of Truth saying, "This time was not wasted. Don't you see? I'm trying to teach you." I asked myself, what I could possible have learned from all this and I realized a few things.
5 minutes later I catch the eye of a girl coming out of a building and she smiles back at me (score!) Then I realized that this was a friend of mine! A girl who I had met and spent time with last year and who moved to Washington DC. What was she doing here in Columbus?! She was in town for the weekend and had a little time before catching her ride and because I had headed to the Newman Center early, I had some time to spare to talk and catch up for a good half an hour. Okay, God. You win. But really. As frustrating as that day was, and as much as I felt like a failure of a missionary, I was reminded again that Jesus is Lord and that my part is to make myself available. I show up. God Does the work. And He really can work! In the past week and a half, I've been on campus more consistently and God is blessing that. In conversations with people I may never see again, in conversations where connections are made and there is an opportunity to invite. In moments of my eyes being opened again and again, in moments of grace when I feel spent, my heart being opened and challenged to love more purely and generously. Yes, He does some serious work.
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This Blog...I'm Emily: a mission leader with Saint Paul's Outreach. This is blog is here to keep you up to date with what is happening in the mission field at Ohio State! Archives
October 2016
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