Last Wednesday, I had an experience. I went out on campus in the afternoon and it's kind of like in the bible where they say, "scales fell from his eyes" except they were falling from my own. It was an experience in seeing people as for the first time. God broke my heart again as he opened my eyes to see countless young people walking around with headphones in, pulling phones out, avoiding eye contact, eating alone. What did I do? What was my response? I chickened out. To all the people I failed to approach, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was afraid. Afraid to interrupt your lunch date with your computer, or your phone. Maybe you really did have work that really did need to be done right then. Maybe you were just looking for something to keep your eyes and your mind busy. I couldn't tell the difference. If it's the first, I hope you accomplished what you intended to, if it's the latter, I'm sorry I didn't have the guts to come up and satiate your loneliness. I'll do better next time! You're worth my discomfort and my awkwardness. You're worth the rejection that you might give to me. I just want you to know that. I know that and I want to prove it."
I found myself leaving campus in disgust. I was disappointed: that I didn't talk to anyone, that I recognized this fear in myself, that people were so hard to even interrupt in the first place. I felt like I just wasted an entire afternoon. In my frustration, I made up my mind to head to the Newman Center early and just pray a rosary for all of the people that I didn't talk to that day. As I was walking and complaining to myself about the wasted time and the bitter cold, I felt a little nudge of Truth saying, "This time was not wasted. Don't you see? I'm trying to teach you." I asked myself, what I could possible have learned from all this and I realized a few things.
5 minutes later I catch the eye of a girl coming out of a building and she smiles back at me (score!) Then I realized that this was a friend of mine! A girl who I had met and spent time with last year and who moved to Washington DC. What was she doing here in Columbus?! She was in town for the weekend and had a little time before catching her ride and because I had headed to the Newman Center early, I had some time to spare to talk and catch up for a good half an hour. Okay, God. You win. But really. As frustrating as that day was, and as much as I felt like a failure of a missionary, I was reminded again that Jesus is Lord and that my part is to make myself available. I show up. God Does the work. And He really can work! In the past week and a half, I've been on campus more consistently and God is blessing that. In conversations with people I may never see again, in conversations where connections are made and there is an opportunity to invite. In moments of my eyes being opened again and again, in moments of grace when I feel spent, my heart being opened and challenged to love more purely and generously. Yes, He does some serious work.
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...besides the year.... Clearly that's new. Advent has come and gone. The Christmas season has come to a close with the celebration of the Baptism of the Lord, and we are left to face a new year in all of it's unknown and potential. In our staff prayer this week this came up and I want to share it because it about sums up my life right now. Despite the fact that we just celebrated Christmas and Jesus has come to us, to you and to me personally, I find that I still must remind myself of these words, that I must still pick myself up and bring myself to him. "It is impossible to persevere in a fervent evangelization unless we are convinced from personal experience that it is not the same thing to have known Jesus as not to have known him, not the same thing to walk with him as to walk blindly, not the same thing to hear his word as not to know it, and not the same thing to contemplate him, to worship him, to find our peace in him, as not to. It is not the same thing to try to build the world with his Gospel as to try to do so by our own lights. We know well that with Jesus life becomes richer and that with him it is easier to find meaning in everything. This is why we evangelize. A true missionary, who never ceases to be a disciple, knows that Jesus walks with him, speaks to him, breathes with him, works with him. He senses Jesus alive with him in the midst of the missionary enterprise. Unless we see him present at the heart of our missionary commitment, our enthusiasm soon wanes and we are no longer sure of what it is that we are handing on; we lack vigour and passion. A person who is not convinced, enthusiastic, certain and in love, will convince nobody." I think this is for all of us. Each of us is a missionary. Each of us have made commitments: to our families, to our work, to relationships, to parishes, to our communities. "Unless we see him present at the heart of our missionary commitment, our enthusiasm soon wanes....we lack vigour and passion." But the Lord makes this promise to those who are with him. ...they shall mount up with wings like eagles, So let us come to him again. again. again. Let us seek him and we will find him. Let us rush out to meet him. Let us re-encounter love. The Lord is our strength. From January 2-5 all of SPO staff gathered together for a retreat in Minnesota. It was a peaceful time of coming to the Lord, re-encountering him, coming to draw from the wellspring of life (and to enjoy on another's company) before heading back to our campuses. Please keep us in your prayers!
Aka: Commute Musings
This evening as I was driving home, it was all I wanted to do to just get there. Make straight that road! clear the way! (#advent) But it seemed like every stop sign I came to had me waiting an eternity as cars zipped past and I strained eagerly for the next gap into which I could quickly insert myself. Maybe I'm just impatient.... maybe it's just my small town heritage coming out...but maybe there's something to this. Like, where are all of these people going?! This isn't the first time in the last few weeks that I've been hit over the head with the overwhelming reality of how many people there are in this world. I walk on campus and there are hundreds of people walking, driving, sitting, reading, skateboarding, tabling, running. People. I drive down my street which has taken on the flavor of the Red Sea with all of its cars lining its curbs bumper to bumper. There's a person for each of those cars!! Where are they? WHO are they? What are they doing? Why are they here? Have you ever just stopped to think about how each of the tons of people you see each day are actually people with real lives? That God created them too? Unlike my drive home, I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess I'm just feeling a little small...a little overwhelmed. I'm just a girl. Living my little life. Writing my little blog. Dealing with my little day. Loving such a little portion of all those people out there and begging the question: what else is a girl to do? I don't know, but I do know they always say, " it's the little things that make a big difference..." and I think they're right. It's hard, but it's okay to know my littleness. Actually, it's more than okay. It's good. It's the little things that count. The little things that make up all the big things. Without all of the little people, we would have no city. Without little days, we would not have much of a life. Without a little yes, without a little baby human we would have no salvation. Yeah, I went there. |
This Blog...I'm Emily: a mission leader with Saint Paul's Outreach. This is blog is here to keep you up to date with what is happening in the mission field at Ohio State! Archives
October 2016
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